My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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