Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
