It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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