the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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