thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
How naked do you want me to be?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
