i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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