I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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