Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
