The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
