I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
