woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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