the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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