Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
