$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
be right there i have to get my cape
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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