I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I am one with the molecules
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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