he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
bring money and cleavage
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
