I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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