I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
