I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
