I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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