i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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