So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
