you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
