please come you make the beer taste better
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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