This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
