John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
