This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
