the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
