seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
