nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize