dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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