if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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