farters have to be the big spoon...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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