walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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