My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Randomize
