Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
