I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
