this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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