You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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