He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
