Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
