So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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