I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
