I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
