ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
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