She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
