did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The Olympian is in my bed
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
