my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
