if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
