I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
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