So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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