Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
