soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
