if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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