god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
True strength comes from lack of pants
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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