It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Randomize
