cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just invented taco cereal.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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